Woo Week

Today its Valentines day which I think is a bit of a shit celebration. I'm not saying this in a Ted Mosby*-esque 'why can't I find the one' way. I'm not- I'll explain.

* How I Met Your Mother

My main dislike is that it is a money making, buy-a-crap-card-rather-than-actually-putting-much-effort-in-to-it sort of tradition that people don't know the history of or care about (Tyler's words coming out of my mouth). Just like I hate Easter eggs being sold in January, detracting from the meaning of the celebration with rubbish stuff to buy.

The other reason is that people feel like they ought to celebrate loving someone on one day- when they should really be doing it all of the time. Again, with some people only buying things out of guilt like those awful 'I love you' teddy bears which actually should read 'I didn't care enough to put much time into a thoughtful present so you've got this bollocks'.

The guilting thing is also the reason I don't like Mother's Day or Father's Day; its like doing something because you should rather than because you want to.

This is not the point of this post, I have just gotten a little caught up. And this blog is not a whining outlet so, we shall move on.

The reason I am writing is because I am enjoying the theme at work this week which is 'woo week'. Each member of the childcare team has a random staff person whom they must woo by sending them, love letters, cards, gifts etc. Of course the majority of the woos have been lewd messages and crude poems, but the right idea was there at the start.

What makes it more interesting is that its all anonymous and the aim is to find out who is chatting up who. So I am trying to work out who is wooing me and the woos I am taking as clues but with 28 odd staff its not  terribly easy.

  I started the week receiving a letter which had been kissed by someone wearing red lipstick. I took this as a hint that my woo was a possibly a man trying to send me on the wrong path. It was also clearly written with the person's non-writing hand which was odd. Trying to make it hard for me to  guess even though I can't identify anyone's writing anyway? Part of the message said that after I (allegedly) flashed my penis at the pub that they had been lusting for it. Interesting..

On the second day there was an apple juice carton left for me which had writing on it. "You are my favourite golden delicious" was one line, giving the information that my admirer is a fan of casual racism. The next day I was given a banana with a message, followed by the subtext: "(I hope you like bananas)" which told me that the person does not know me awfully well as I hate bananas. (Jimbo adds: more racism? Probs not Jimbo)

Why I don't like bananas:

-Bananas smell bad; they smell like they've already been partly processed by a human- yux

  -Banaans are mushy, like eating a slimy brain

    -Baannas don't taste great and they stick to the roof of your mouth like a squashed slug

      -Banansa is not easy to type fast if you're shit at typing like me.

And the following day I got some paper hearts on my bed which signified that people were getting bored of woo week and lacking the lustre of previous days. I can relate, I didn't send one that day. 

There was the idea that for the wooing finale today, I and a group of friends would sing a song barber-shop style ballad to some lucky ladies. Yet lack of planning and a severe absence of practise led to this being scrapped. Bin!

  This is a shame as I do like singing, and have even been told 'you're ok at it I guess' which I took as a compliment. We would have been covering Billy Joel's "For the Longest Time".

Actually, I think I could just sing it anyway because a) I'd enjoy it and b) it would probably embarrass the person I'm wooing. Thanks for helping me decide that (You actually did nothing in the way of helping me- how useless).

Good effort!

There have been some interesting ones during the week including:

-Ginge laying out a disgusting sex doll in his woo's bed with a note saying 'I was warming up for you' or something equally cringe. Who warms up really anyway.

-Someone (allegedly) painted their peen and artistically imprinted a card with its likeness.

-Ginge received a lovely note under hit duvet with a Ferrero Rocher attached. Could have been good if he wasn't so heavy and didn't lie on his bed and crush the gift into sticky oblivion.

-A poem written in French that sounds nice (as most French does) when read out but actually contained lines about touching oneself on Tuesdays.

-Michael had a treasure hunt from his woo, who's probably put the most effort in for him.

-There have been lines such as: "You have eyes that would make men run a mile,

Its just a shame you never smile" (by Ginge)

-Ginge wrote 'fancy a fork' on (you guessed it) a fork, in permanent pen and got me to throw it to his wooing victim. Actually Ginge has been a hero during woo week.

But, my evidence collection accounted for, I don't really know who is after me. Maybe I can get a clue later today, but Im not sure I'll work it out. 

Hopefully you have more idea if someone is wooing you this week- if not, you probably have a stalker.


UPDATE 18/02/14: The mystery person was the delightful Emily Evans who is one of the best looking girls in resort, so I am flattered that she put in so much effort for me.

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