The Secret Lives of Elves

And as a disclaimer: this account is based on what had been said to me by various elves, I myself did not work as an elf. Additionally, elf names  have been changed to protect their identity (and I'm not even joking).

It's nearly Christmas? No. Not at all. But in the retail world, the beginning of September is a time where shops will begin showing hints of Christmas presents, encouraging us to spend money at the earliest possible moment.

With this madness ringing in my ears, I remember a time when it was actually December, legitimately within the festive season, when I worked in Lapland. Something I never published was my eye opener into the secret lives of Christmas elves... until now.

Let me take you to the bleak world within the arctic circle where they genuinely have frost covered signs warning of passing cross county skiers.

Warning:
They are pensioners and they are in lycra

I was heading to the coaches where guests were either stroking the reindeer or loading their bags and boarding. I was scanning the vehicles for my coach's name in the windscreen when something else caught my eye.

Perched atop a large snow drift, dressed in a cute outfit, with jingle bells ringing from her hat, was Shuffles the elf. My guard shot up. Alert mode activated. Elves are the naughtiest when they are here at the airport and this one, though sometimes a good girl, can hold her own like any other. 

The elf's role is primarily in entertainment, so if they are making people laugh and enjoy themselves then all is well. Many times, the happiness of guests comes from elves harassing the other staff. And since I was in that category, seeing Shuffles had put me on high alert.

'No battle plan survives contact with the enemy'

Reasoning that the best defense is a strong offence, I snuck up behind the menace, who was still laughing merrily on the pile and making snowballs. There was a chance that I would receive some of them, on or around the face if I didn't stop her. The plan was to tackle her and push her to the ground, leaving the path clear for me to board the coach unscathed...

This idea backfired.

As I used to say in the classroom when lessons didn't quite go to plan: 'No battle plan survives contact with the enemy', meaning that you must know how to be flexible with your expectations!

Sad reindeer says: "I hate it when you have to go to
the airport and you're not going on holiday"
We all know how he feels

When I dived at her, Shuffles somehow landed on top of me instead of falling forward and we tumbled dangerously down the hill. The guests were amused as we toppled head over heels but I ended up with my clipboard hitting me in the face and Shuffles' whole body landing awkwardly on my neck. It was all quite embarrassing for us both and, non-verbally, we appeared to call a temporary truce.

I've rubbed these guys out as a courtesy to them.
But there were two hiding in this little gap
between two airport conveyors,
waiting to surprise and englighten guests

Trouble still awaited, and it arrived in the form of another of Santa's helpers, this one called Rusty. She boarded the coach and tried to fit amongst the guests. Unfortunately for me, her presence meant that the vehicle would be forced to stay at the airport as long as she was there. As I attempted to do the essential head count, she 'helped' by shouting random numbers and distracting me with her wandering hands. 

             Whist she is delightful to be with, I could have definitely done without this nonsense. Its a race between the non-elf staff to leave the airport first or face queuing once you arrive at the resort. Nobody wants to have guests on the coach longer than they need to be, so getting the elves to scram ASAP is a big priority.

Luckily I knew a few tricks, and I knew that the elves are often searching for sweeties. So once I had finished the count I pointed out of the window at a randomer and yelled "sweeties!". Rusty sped off the bus and away to harass someone else, in search of the sugary reward that all elves crave.

In their defence, Rusty and Shuffles are very kind to me and don't direct a huge amount of mayhem my way. If elves read online, I'd want them to know that they are my favourites- but who knows if they have Internet access in this busy period.

House Arrest

What's more of a challenge than getting them to behave is hanging out with them outside of work. This is not the result of a hectic social schedule or them putting in extra hours in the workshop of Father Christmas, its because they aren't allowed to be seen out of character. 

Absurdly, that rule means that they are forbidden to be seen out of costume and character by any guest, not just the children. In a small village, when we often have 350 guests roaming about, that kinda means they have to stay in the house a lot.

Could this be an isolated Elf cabin?
Its not actually.
But its a food store that genuine arctic dwelling types
 use to keep their food away from wolves!

I can understand that having an elf's true identity kept from the children could be important for keeping the magic alive. Even though this would be a hassle, I can see the logic.

However, the rule is that no guest, regardless of age, can see an elf acting as a human. This means they aren't allowed in my house as a child or adult might spot them on the way over. It even means that they are required to leave the bar at any time of the evening if any guest comes in, even if its just one adult.

This occurred recently when we had two guys from the UK head office were visiting. Even though they are from the company that hired these very elves, technically they were guests too, so the poor elves had to miss out on one of the few nights that we could all see each other. Apparently, if they remain in a bar which also had guests in, they face disciplinary action.

As the head office chaps were the only guests in the bar it was even more frustrating and- frankly- senseless. (It must be said that they hadn't realised that they were restricting people's access to the bar and they did feel guilty afterwards). The next day, I spoke my mind to them on the policy but I am sure that it will remain staunchly and stupidly in place.

"But Hermione," said Ron "they don't want to be free. They like working."

Well yes, just like the house elves in Harry Potter, our elves like their jobs too. But both wizarding and Christmas elves can have tough working conditions and some difficulties to put up with.

At our Lapland Guest Centre they work from about 9 til 5 which sounds like a sensible working day. But- As elves technically aren't humans, it seems that they don't get a few basic human rights. (I am saying this in jest of course, don't take the internet literally! Jheeeze.)

A lunch break, even a short one, would be reasonable for someone working eight straight hours. I get about 20 mins of sit-down, which is appreciated, but the elves don't get one. The other staff often try to sneak food over, but can only really get biscuits to them. We ourselves eat spaghetti bolognaise at the Lapland Guest Centre, but I am sure it would freeze if we ventured to transport it from the restaurant.

Similarly, we can only occasionally get hot drinks to them. They would be graciously accepted as the elves are either outside by Santa's cabin all day throwing snow and entertaining families, or inside an igloo which is (obviously) chilly as its made of snow.

Having said that, since they aren't able to have any toilet breaks whilst working, a lack of fluids is probably helpful. Whilst nobody is saying to them 'You're not allowed to go to the toilet,'' the reality is that there's not a toilet in the middle of the woods, or in the igloo either, so its sort of the same thing.

Nice and cold at -22 Centigrade.
Understandably, people don't like to get their
bits out and wee alfresco in these temps.

One elf said that no loo breaks are particularly inconvenient for herself and the other lady elves, at certain times... girl times... if ya know what I mean. But its just another thing that they have to deal with as best they can.

When they have finished in the igloo, there are  still people around who should not see elves acting out of character. The results is that rather than getting a lift on the coaches they have to take a secret route through the woods in the pitch darkness to catch a lift from an unmarked van.

Talking Elvish

All this stress and such dedicated staying in character for hours does take its toll, and many of my elvish colleagues slip in to their squeaky elf voices from time to time outside of work. Its cute sometimes, but it does show the demand of performing for such long periods at a time.

The elves don't talk like normal humans, they speak a kind of garbled made -up language with the odd word being clear. This is enough to understand if they want you to do something but it does take getting used to. Sometimes they use certain words to communicate with other elves or the other staff.

I won't say the codeword so that some sanctity in Elfdom can remain.

They don't break character, they are very committed, so if the code is said by an elf, it might mean that they are in danger or need help.

You might think that they'd rarely be in danger at work, but then you'll remember that they are working with children. Not normal children, but ones that have be possessed by with spirit of Christmas. Kids that are hyper from endless ingestion of festive sweets and so intoxicated by the sheer magic, that sometimes they lose their shit.

Oh looks! Its the Northern Lights!!

(Its not.)

One well known story within our circles occurred when the elves made an unexpected appearance at the festive evening meal. Its not a time they would usually work, so when they children saw them, the elves extremely welcome guests. So welcome that they were physically leapt on by shrieking tiny monsters. Pleas of the codeword yelled repeatedly  were heard from the bottom of piles of children, similar to an un-dead horde descending on an unfortunate human victim and mercilessly tearing off handfuls of flesh while it was still alive. 

Yeah a bit like that. But the children were restrained and, hopefully sedated- or at the very least not given any more sweets.

I've not had to respond to the codeword being yelled this season and hopefully I won't have to. With what they have to do every day, and despite harassing me, the last thing they need is crazy child attacks.

So while you're mulling wine and mincing pies in a few months, you can spare a thought for the elves this Christmas, now that you know what goes on to make the magic happen.

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